Sound of Silence

After almost six months, I've returned to break the silence. I'm no longer living in Seoul, and have in fact relocated to California. The state of sunshine, minimal rain, gorgeous tree lined mountains, and constantly congested free ways. I'm pretty sure road rage had its glorious creation on those freeways many years ago. But those road ways lead to secluded mountains, fresh air, and sandy beaches, so its an even trade off. Is this where I thought I'd be after Korea? No, it wasn't even a place I ever thought about. After a few weeks of crashing on my sister's couch I just never left. I'm thankful she offered me her couch, and then a newly vacant room in her apartment, because living in Nevada just wasn't working out for me. I'm sure Las Vegas is the city of opportunity for lots of people, but I wasn't one of them. I became, well...shadowy. Shadowy is the best way to describe it. My moods were shadowing, and everything seemed bleak. My bed was my best friend, the day light was my enemy, and showers/feeding myself were unimportant. I wasn't able to appreciate what I had, or see potential in the future. Things are getting better, slowing but surely. I'm finding ways to not just tolerate, but actually enjoy, my desk job. My cubical walls don't feel like they're closing in on me anymore.

I've had my fair amounts of losses and gains in the past six to nine months. I've lost two grandfathers, a well paying job in a foreign country, more "friends" than I can count (the quotes are there because in retrospect not all of them were really friends), my first apartment without roommates, among other minor things. The hardest loss was, without a doubt, my grandfathers. Neither were in good health by the end, but that kind of loss is something you can never fully prepare yourself for. The hardest loss to accept (because it blindsided me) was the loss of my best friend. (loss, not death) Not necessarily because we no longer see each other, but because of the way it ended. I was lucky enough to have had my best friend and my boyfriend be one in the same, and for that I'll always be grateful.

And now that the depressing loss chatter is over, I can move on to the gains. Including, but not limited to, a charming new town with vintage clothing stores, cafes, and restaurants all within walking distance of my apartment. My apartment (and the pool/hot tub/fitness room in the court yard) Awesome! A new job, new friends, new car, new life, new opportunities. I'm starting a new chapter, and confident that the climax of the book of my life has not yet happened. Everything that happened before was merely the prelude to a page turning story.

That said I know very few people actually read my blog (as the stats clearly show), and therefore I've gotten in the habit of writing more for myself than geared towards an audience. To an outsider reading this it probably reads like whining and broken up thoughts. Writing this is a way for me to think and focus. So yes, sorry but I write to myself sometimes. Sorry, but not really.
Good night!

On Waiting for Opportunity

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” 
― Winston Churchill


So,  my time in Seoul is quickly winding down and I'm faced with the dilemma of "what comes next". At this point in time I have no clear path for the future. The only thing that's known is I will be facing indefinite unemployment when I get back to the states. A part of me wants to sigh in relief and think; "Yay! Unemployment is funemployment! I can relax and act like its all just a really long vacation". But the other part, the reasonable adult part of myself, keeps thinking about it exactly as it is at face value. Unemployment. The lack of employment. The lack of a steady income. The inevitable depletion of my modestly sized savings. Oh shit, oh my! Because I don't want to look at all of this as a black hole on my future I've decided to look at is as a time of opportunity.
I'm a college educated adult with international work experience, that has to count for something on a resume, right? (Oh please network of potential employers, please tell me it counts!) I'm well aware that gainful employment isn't something that comes knocking on your door; its something you go forth and seek. I'm not discouraged by the hard work, effort, countless resumes sent, and countless cover letters written. I'm not even all that discouraged by the often dreaded, "Thank you for your interest in our company; however....." letter that will undoubtedly be sent numerous times. I'm more discouraged by the waiting period. The stagnate waiting period between the first day of unemployment and the day I'm (fingers crossed) granted an interview. For those of you who know me, I hate waiting. Not only do I hate waiting for things, big and small, to happen in my life, I'm really bad at it. I get antsy, jittery, and then finally massively depressed. So, this point of my life will be a big lesson on waiting. Not waiting in the sense where I sit around on my butt all day waiting for something great to happen for me; but waiting because I know sometimes the best opportunities are the ones you cannot force to adhere to your time table. As the old saying goes; patience is a virtue. With that said, I want to finish this blogg post with a few of my favorite quotes on opportunity and patience:

“A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds.” 
― Francis Bacon,
“We often miss opportunity because it's dressed in overalls and looks like work”
― Thomas A. Edison
“Sky is not a limit for me; because I have no limit for myself in life. Because life is a world full of risk taking and possibilities. No matter how hard or easy life is; I will always find a way to enjoy myself; even in the mist of circumstances; because problems is a sense of adventure in sheep's clothing.” 
― Temitope Owosela
“The two hardest tests on the spiritual road are the patience to wait for the right moment and the courage not to be disappointed with what we encounter.” 
― Paulo Coelho

Learning to Live in the Now

“Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry — all forms of fear — are cause by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of nonforgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence.” Eckhart Tolle

I'm human and therefore, like everyone else, I am a flawed creature. My flaws are something that become more apparent to me as I get older, and have more life experiences. However, with the realization of these flaws comes the opportunity to change them. Change cannot began without the need for change becoming apparent. Recently I've come to the self discovery that I spend too much mental energy thinking about the past and the future. And not enough about the present. In fact, I hardly live in the present. I stress about money, my career, where I'll be living post Korea, if I'll ever get married and have kids ect....I even stress thinking about if my commitaphobia will lead me to a life as The Crazy Cat Lady 20-30 years down the line. I make the same mistakes in all my romantic, and platonic, relationships because I never relax and live in the present. This isn't healthy, in any way. How can I fix my mistakes when I don't even notice when I'm making them? How can I appreciate how great something, or someone is, if I never give them my undivided attention? If I lose my mind to the time-space continuum, dwelling on the past or stressing about the future, I'll never be truly happy.

 I read a book a few years ago called; "An Unquiet Mind", and while the content of the book was amazing, and sparked a great airplane-seatmate conversation about mental illness, the title really grabbed me and stuck with me. My mind is never quiet and I have a terrible time relaxing. I've tried yoga and meditation, but sadly neither helped. This is probably because sitting in a silent room telling yourself "Relax, relax!" isn't actually going to make you relax. Addressing the reason why you're so stressed out, and attacking it from it's foundations, will. Even if you can't change what's bothering you immediately, or anytime in the foreseeable future, at least you can change the way you deal with it.

I've never considered myself a "new-age" type of person, or the kind of person that believes in karma and good energy. Since I've started living a post college adult life I've been giving a lot more thought the power of positive thinking. I've been making a conscious decision to be more optimistic, more of a "yes" person, and to see if positive thinking/doing attracts positive things to my life. As Disney movie esq as it sounds, it works like a charm. I've attracted so many great people to my life recently. And I feel so much better now, physically and mentally. I have so much more energy and don't feel the need to sleep all the time like I used to. So, I've decided that starting now I'm going to make an honest attempt at living more in the present and trying to stay positive. Let's see how long I can last!

Oh, Korea.

For those of you who are new to my blogg, here's a quick summery of what this blogg is all about. I'm an American currently living in Seoul, South Korea, teaching English to children. While I never saw this becoming my life I have quickly grown to love it. Living and working abroad has its ups and downs but its an experience that's definitely worth it. I've previously lived in Budapest, Hungary, for a study abroad semester but I never imagined how much more difficult it would be to both live and work abroad.
I'm not exaggerating when I say every day is a challenge. The most mundane things we do one a daily basis become challenges when you add the language barrier. A simple trip to the grocery store is always an adventure. Or a headache. Mostly just a headache. Thankfully I don't cook much! Not only are the majority of groceries in Korean, they're also just plain strange. I've come across shrimp flavored potato chips and seaweed flavored ice cream before, and those aren't even the strangest. After being here long enough these things just become the norm and you don't really notice it anymore. Acclimating to Korea, like most Asian countries, is definitely a tough thing to do. It's the hardest thing I've ever done it my life yet I wouldn't take it back for anything. After you think all the hurdles have been thrown, and hoops have been jumped through, you realize there's still more. Good thing while you're going through all those things you meet some of the most amazing people!
I've met a bunch of people here who say they enjoy living in Kore despite the challenges. Whereas, I enjoy living in Korea because of them. If you're the kind of person who loves meeting new people, learning a new language, immersing yourself in a new culture, and making a decently amount of money while doing these things than ESL teaching in South Korea would be perfect for you. However, it's not all peaches and cream. Work can be exhausting and a 12 hour work day is normal for a Korean. Fortunately most English teachers here don't work 12 hours a day, but occasionally working overtime is expected. Plus, working with young children eight hours a day is wearing even under the most ideal of circumstances. If you're the kind of person who doesn't have a whole lot of patience I highly suggest looking for a teaching job for adults.

The life of a Korean expat is always exhilarating. The expat community is much smaller than I previously thought and everyone seems to know everyone. This is great for making connections and meeting new people. There are tons of expat groups created to bring people with similar hobbies together. There are groups for photography, art, museum outings, language exchange, and so much more. It's a great way to broaden you're horizons and do something you may have never done before. I've recently joined a rock climbing group! This is something I never would have thought to do back in the states, but am so happy I pushed myself to do here. Being an expat gives you a great opportunity to push yourself beyond your comfort zone and do things you would never have done back home. Meditate with Buddhist monks in a mountain side temple? Checked off my list. Pet tigers and ride elephants in Thailand? Yeah, did that. Visit the most highly militarized border in the world (the DMZ)? Checked off the list too. Needless to say, a life of traveling is a life well spent!

Musings

A few weeks ago in an insomniac frenzy I started writing myself notes and sticking them in random places around my apartment. I don't frequently have people over so it didn't occur to me as something strange or shameful. And even if I did, so what? It was extremely cathartic, and once I started I didn't stop for about an hour. Stream of consciousness writing is, in my opinion, the most honest form of writing. A few of my musings:

It's human nature to fear the unknown. It's irrational to know that and yet still fear it. You are not an irrational being.
Life is chaos. Its up to you to put some order to it.
Guarding yourself against love is like guarding yourself against what makes  you human. What makes you whole. No one can survive a fragmented being.
You don't drive people away, they steer themselves away.
Don't be prisoner of your mind. Don't be your own worst enemy.
Time is a man made concept. Don't live by a time schedule. Good things will happen when they will.
All organic things are beautiful; and therefore so are you.
Make apologies for your actions but never for your personality.
Know your own self worth is not determined by someone else's definition of worth.
Move on from the set backs and the failures. They're not litmus tests for your self worth.

Clearly, none of these "musings" are new concepts. They're just things I've found to be self evident. Things I want to remind myself of.

Change is inevitable. Growth is optional

To calm my racing mind I've turned back to blogging. It’s been a few months; a few chaotic months of stress, challenges, and unbridled happiness. Living in Korea sometimes makes me want to bash my head into a wall and scream in frustration. But the feeling fades eventually, and appreciation for my situation and surrounding creeps back to me. The feeling of isolation is ever present, but I've started to make peace with it. Making peace with you're reality, whatever that reality may be, is key to contentment, and in turn happiness. Walking down the street and seeing the same homogeneous Korean faces, faces that rarely look your way except for a few curious glances at the "foreigner", have become my reality. Last night I was at a bar in Itaewon, an area customized for tourists and foreigners, and every conversation around me was in English. It was a very strange feeling. I couldn't help but be amazed by my ability to eavesdrop. I was hearing sounds that formed words, comprehensible English words! True, I work at a school teaching English, but ESL English and casual native English are two very different animals. For the brief time that I was there I feel like I was back home, and it was nice. 

I've started to become really good at goodbyes lately. The nature of an English teacher abroad makes goodbyes a common and inevitable occurrence. I've made peace with the people in my life who are ephemeral. I'm starting to relax and live in the moment more. I've started appreciating the people in my life while I'm lucky enough to have them; instead of stressing about when they're going to leave. I've recently said goodbye to a friend who, unless a strange twist of fate deems otherwise, I will never see again. He's parting words were along the lines of, "Good luck with everything, and learn to calm down and relax." His words stuck with me because I know I'm a tense and neurotic person. I'm working on changing that, but old habits die hard.

Recently I received some disappointing news from a job I was pursuing. While it was only a temporary set back I still took it pretty hard. I think of myself as being a pretty confident person, but I'm not made of stone. My foundation can be shook, and when it does it's like an earthquake. Thankfully, while it can be shook it has yet to be cracked beyond repair. When one door closes a window opens somewhere. I just have to find it.

Seoul, Korea. The long awaited update.

Since I never get all that personal on my blog (and never actually made it public because every previous post is random and uninteresting) I figured it was time to write about whats been going on since I've moved to Seoul. I actually started this blog a year ago when I moved to Hungary, to talk about life abroad, but never used it for that purpose. This was due in part to pure laziness and also because I've never been much into blogging.
That said, now down to the point. Korea is definitely not what I expected it to be; however, I shouldn't really say that since I came here in somewhat of a whim and with very little expectations. The food took some getting used to but now I can honestly say I love it. Well, most of it. A good 90% of it at least. Everything seems to be made out of the same basic ingredients, and yes, rice is a food staple here. As is kimchi, a fermented cabbage and spice dish. I love it, which is fortunate since it's served with breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Also, seafood, yummm! I've even gotten into squid, octopus, eel, and shark fin (at a Chinese restaurant a few months ago). While its not all that common, Koreans do eat dog. I haven't had any so I couldn't tell you how it tastes, or where to find it if you felt so inclined.
Work is work. It really is nice having a steady income and my little kiddos are the cutest. I lost a student today because her father had, ummm personality clashes, with my boss. Unfortunate, but life goes on. My elementary students are growing on me more and more every day. Probably because in my E1 class I have two students that I had for my summer class and they are just too funny. Crazy and getting attitudes but even when they're goofing off I don't care too much. Or even tell them to stop. Woops. My E2s are harder to get through too, mainly because I have a student that should NOT be in that high of a level class. Realistically he should be tested for a learning disability, especially ADHD. However, learning disabilities are largely ignored in this country and from what I've been told rarely even tested for. Having graduated college with a degree in psychology this really irks me. Nothing I can do about it, so as I said, life goes on.

As for entertainment here, there always seems like there's something to do or somewhere to go if you want to. It took me a few weeks to find a good group of friends and a little longer to find Korean friends, but alas, I found them. I've become a lot more out going since I've been here, and way more adventurous and easy going. Its a lot easier for me to meet new people now and I've even started talking to strangers on the streets. Don't worry, not all the time haha. I'm not a crazed weirdo, I'm just less anxious about asking strangers for directions and things like that. Overall, my attitude about life has changed since I've been here. I'm way more positive, happy, and optimistic. I haven't gone into what used to be an all too frequent depressed funk since I've been here. I'm a good place because I've realized that life is not perfect, and I wouldn't want it to be. Besides, perfection is all in perspective and life is just too good to worry about that sort of thing.
Oh, and I have a wonderful Christmas vacation to look forward too. A friend of mine and I just booked our flights to Thailand! A week of site seeing, relaxing, and bumming around one of the most culturally rich countries in Southeast Asia. Now only to go into super money saver mood till than, but I'm not too worried.

That's all I can think of for now. Goodnight!